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| In This Issue • Marriage Skill 21: Discover Your Partner’s Top Three • Two-Day Marriage Clinic™ • Other Upcoming Opportunities |
| Marriage Skill 21:
Discover Your Partner’s Top Three Needs by Learning How You Hurt Them Previously, we introduced the “Top 12 Commonly Identified Needs” and discussed the tremendous importance of meeting the “need of the moment” (Eph. 4:29). So, what is the best way to know their need of the moment? Is it to “just ask?” Asking is a good way, and we certainly need to ask, but there is an even better way: find out how you most hurt them! If your spouse is quiet, but you know something is wrong, you have a one in twelve chance of simply guessing the unmet need. Those are not very good odds. I wouldn’t get on a plane with only a one in twelve chance of landing safely, would you? But if your partner tells you which action (or inaction) hurt them (“you did not take out the trash like you said you would”), you can instantly determine that support was the unmet need of the moment. If you address several hurts, you will often find one particular need that is behind the problems. Did you know that even if you meet eleven of your partner’s needs very well, but miss their need of the moment, there will probably be a wall between you? However, if you meet the need of the moment well, you can do “D minus” work in the other eleven and your partner will still think you love them well. You may think I am exaggerating but I dare you to try it. Ask your partner about their hurts. The best way to ask is as follows: “Is there a way that I have hurt you that I have not fully resolved?” In this section, we will not discuss all the steps to successfully resolve hurts and conflicts. However, if you will commit (in advance) to fully apply the log and speck principle, you will find success. Fully apply the log and speck principle. The Bible says “take the log out of your own eye, then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your partner’s eye” (Matt. 7:3-5). Realize that whatever hurt your partner tells you, there is probably a mixture of truth and error. You must, you must—it is absolutely critical—you must resolve the part that is true (even if only one percent is true) before you address the part that is not true. You cannot and must not defend or correct or point out the error of what they say until you first address and resolve the part that is true. Read the previous sentence again. If you fail to apply the log and speck principle, this wonderful exercise will blow up and you will feel even more distant than when you started. Confess with brokenness and sorrow. To address the part that is true, confess by saying “I was wrong, how did it make you feel? . . . I am sorry that I made you feel that way, I was wrong, would you please forgive me?” Empty all the hurts this way and you will feel closer than you ever have in all your marriage—guaranteed! How have you discovered and resolved your partner’s hurts?  |
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| About Karl Elkins Karl Elkins, LPC, ThM, MA, CSC, BCPCC, DAPA has 25 years of counseling experience and is an Adjunct Instructor at College of Biblical Studies teaching Marriage and Family courses. He is Founder and President of Christway Counseling Center P.C. specializing in marriage and family counseling. He earned a Master’s degree in Theology from Dallas Theological Seminary, and a Master’s degree in Counseling from Colorado Christian University. He was formerly on staff with Intimate Life Ministries and director of a Houston Minirth-Meier New Life Clinic. He is married to Terry Elkins and has two grown children. |
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| Other Upcoming Opportunities Three-Day Accelerated Marriage Counseling (AMC)™ Includes all of the topics, instruction, and counseling projects in the Two-Day Marriage Clinic™, but is completely private—you, your partner and the counselor only. More Info » Individual Counseling We offer individual counseling to couples desiring an introductory session or two, follow-up sessions, or focused counseling. More Info » Monthly Marriage Enrichment Group Ongoing accountability group helps you internalize the good practices you’ve learned, avoid returning to bad habits, and develop new marriage-building skills. Next meeting is on July 1. More Info » Contact Information Phone: (832) 358-0900 E-Mail: terry@christwaycounseling.com Web: www.christwaycounseling.com  |
| © 2010 Christway Counseling Center. All rights reserved. |
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