Marriage Skill 18: Understand that We All Have the Same Top 12 Needs
 
It is important to realize that men and women are different in many significant ways. Too often though, we fail to emphasize the ways in which we are similar. Many times the similarities should be addressed first. It is much easier to understand your partner’s need for respect if you are fully aware of how disappointing it is when you are not respected. If you are not aware that you need comfort, your attempts to comfort will be like a robot—awkward, mechanical, and insincere.
 
The Top 12 Commonly Identified Needs
 
1. Acceptance
2. Admonition
3. Affection
4. Appreciation
5. Approval
6. Attention
7. Comfort
8. Encouragement
9. Instruction
10. Respect
11. Security
12. Support
 
What do we have in common regarding needs?
 
Needs are intuitive. Which of the twelve needs above are your top three needs? Were you able to pick three? If so, you intuitively proved that you have those needs.
 
Needs are biblical. All the needs above come from either “one-another” commands (“respect one another, encourage one another”) or principles from Scripture. If God says you have them, then you really do have them.
 
Needs require relationships. It’s hard to fully meet your own need for attention, appreciation, or encouragement. Inwardly, we desire other people to respect, appreciate, and encourage us.
 
Needs desire others to initiate. If you have to demand or throw a “hissy fit” to force someone to meet your need, it doesn’t mean very much once met. We want other people to initiate—to freely choose to meet our needs—without our demanding.
 
Needs are important to both genders. Both men and women have all twelve needs. Men and women alike need respect, security, acceptance, and attention. They may rank them differently, but the needs exist in both genders.
 
Needs are important to all ages. Newborns, the elderly, and everyone in between need attention (as well as the other eleven needs).
 
Needs transcend culture. Americans, Chinese, Russians, and people from every other culture have all twelve needs.
 
If we have similar needs, what are the implications for connecting with others?